I'm goin to California...
I am so excited for the adventure, I know it is with work, I know that I won't have much free time, I know that I don't even particularly enjoy the "West Coast" culture. But I am going with an open mind and heart, with the love of my family, and the intention to experience what I can and impress those I work for with my ability to do what they need our program to do.
Before any of this can happen though there is much preparation. Our house needs to be packed up because while I am gone all of our windows will be replaced and the old ones are doused in lead based paint. We need to take everything off the walls, move all furniture 5ft from every window, hangings off the windows, even in the basement we need to move everything. I need to pack up the kids for staying in a hotel that night, pack up the van for camping that next weekend (right when they pick me up from the airport). And if I have time pack myself up too. Whoa I need to take a breath.
I have been thoroughly enjoying my Yoga class, My mind and body needs it.
I will read, study, go to classes, eat in a fancy restaurant, and so yoga by the ocean...in California.
I will miss my family, I will come back refreshed.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Pearls
I miss my son.
I really enjoyed my date with him. We opened up his first bank account and he was so professional. He wanted to recite all of the relevant information himself and was curious about all of the terms of the account. Next we went to spend his gift certificate at Target from his birthday. He really wanted a baseball computer game and there wasn't one, so we looked at the Gameboy games and there wasn't one, so we went to the toys and he set his heart on a little electric guitar. It made my heart sing to get him an instrument over a video game so we got Icees to celebrate. We went home and tried out his guitar, it was fabulously fun to watch him concentrate so hard on the sounds he was orchestrating, we discovered every edge and curve of his zebra striped guitar then we left on our bikes to get some dinner. Dante wanted a buffet and streak, we compromised with Chinese and he had taryaki chicken on a stick. After we stuffed ourselves silly and I told him about work and he told me about school we went to visit cousin Micah on the way to the cheap seats. Dante and he played chess and I discovered a kneeling chair that I fell in love with. We carried our good energy with us to the discount theatre where we watch the motorcycles flick Wild Hogs. Hilarious. We rode our bikes back home at 11pm and found our selves dreamily comforted by our evening and entered our slumber more quickly and peacefully than usual. I love my son.
Saturday was tougher. Joel and I weren't clicking. I was feeling disconnected and Joel was still stuck in "island" mode, not talking about things with me or including me in any of his thoughts/ Not really absorbing anything I was saying, simply on autopilot. We surmounted our morning to have a relatively pleasant afternoon walking down with the girls to the children's museum meeting up with Angie and her children. Sienna had diareah and shat all over the ground, her dress, underwear and Joel's arm (watch included all the little holes in the watch strap included). After cleaning her the best we could and keeping her in a diaper the rest of the day we pursued the museum and had good time. The way home proved difficult again for Joel and I. I was still feeling disconnected and sensitive with him and needed more affection and response than I was getting. I became ever more unpleasant to be around and had the first incling of an ever more difficult weekend for me physically and emotionally. I was feeling ill when we got home and tried to rest. Joel was a little more receptive and heard me out. I listened to him as well and we made a plan of action to relax and spend some more good time with the girls. Off to the mall we went.
Avra and I got our ears pierced. this is a nervous situation for me because my mother and i are both very allergic to nickle and even yellow gold contained nickel. So i used white gold and gave Avra 24c gold just in case. We spent over $50 so I let Avra pick out a $25 free item (the special they were running that weekend). She picked out a beautiful double heart necklace.
Avra and Sienna were so brave for me. They held my knee as I became scared, Sienna handed me the "pierced puppy" the piercing place had. Avra didn't even flinch when she got hers done.
Joel thought we should just peak at some belated engagement rings. I just wanted a simple pearl on a gold band. Boy was that difficult. They want to put so many complicated things around a pearl to try to make it "more elegant, more beautiful, more desirable, more valuable." I enjoy the pearl because of the time it take to grow and cultivate, it symbolizes what a marriage should become, more elegant and valuable with the years. It starts as just a grain a desire a wish and eventually and slowly with its own time and its own ways grows into a magnificent jewel. A diamond to me seems forced. By heat and pressure mined at the cost of quarrel and strife. It is not what I want my marriage represented by (though it feels that way sometimes). At the 5th store I found what I was looking for. I handed him my wedding band to have cleaned, winked and said I will use the restroom now, you can surprise me later. I want Joel to really think about what it represents for him and I certainly will give it that same thought and compassion. I do love my husband, I want us to be happy, but it will take time to have the intimacy that neither of us learned in our youth. It is a dream and desire we share and it is a deficiency we are both dealing with.
I really enjoyed my date with him. We opened up his first bank account and he was so professional. He wanted to recite all of the relevant information himself and was curious about all of the terms of the account. Next we went to spend his gift certificate at Target from his birthday. He really wanted a baseball computer game and there wasn't one, so we looked at the Gameboy games and there wasn't one, so we went to the toys and he set his heart on a little electric guitar. It made my heart sing to get him an instrument over a video game so we got Icees to celebrate. We went home and tried out his guitar, it was fabulously fun to watch him concentrate so hard on the sounds he was orchestrating, we discovered every edge and curve of his zebra striped guitar then we left on our bikes to get some dinner. Dante wanted a buffet and streak, we compromised with Chinese and he had taryaki chicken on a stick. After we stuffed ourselves silly and I told him about work and he told me about school we went to visit cousin Micah on the way to the cheap seats. Dante and he played chess and I discovered a kneeling chair that I fell in love with. We carried our good energy with us to the discount theatre where we watch the motorcycles flick Wild Hogs. Hilarious. We rode our bikes back home at 11pm and found our selves dreamily comforted by our evening and entered our slumber more quickly and peacefully than usual. I love my son.
Saturday was tougher. Joel and I weren't clicking. I was feeling disconnected and Joel was still stuck in "island" mode, not talking about things with me or including me in any of his thoughts/ Not really absorbing anything I was saying, simply on autopilot. We surmounted our morning to have a relatively pleasant afternoon walking down with the girls to the children's museum meeting up with Angie and her children. Sienna had diareah and shat all over the ground, her dress, underwear and Joel's arm (watch included all the little holes in the watch strap included). After cleaning her the best we could and keeping her in a diaper the rest of the day we pursued the museum and had good time. The way home proved difficult again for Joel and I. I was still feeling disconnected and sensitive with him and needed more affection and response than I was getting. I became ever more unpleasant to be around and had the first incling of an ever more difficult weekend for me physically and emotionally. I was feeling ill when we got home and tried to rest. Joel was a little more receptive and heard me out. I listened to him as well and we made a plan of action to relax and spend some more good time with the girls. Off to the mall we went.
Avra and I got our ears pierced. this is a nervous situation for me because my mother and i are both very allergic to nickle and even yellow gold contained nickel. So i used white gold and gave Avra 24c gold just in case. We spent over $50 so I let Avra pick out a $25 free item (the special they were running that weekend). She picked out a beautiful double heart necklace.
Avra and Sienna were so brave for me. They held my knee as I became scared, Sienna handed me the "pierced puppy" the piercing place had. Avra didn't even flinch when she got hers done.
Joel thought we should just peak at some belated engagement rings. I just wanted a simple pearl on a gold band. Boy was that difficult. They want to put so many complicated things around a pearl to try to make it "more elegant, more beautiful, more desirable, more valuable." I enjoy the pearl because of the time it take to grow and cultivate, it symbolizes what a marriage should become, more elegant and valuable with the years. It starts as just a grain a desire a wish and eventually and slowly with its own time and its own ways grows into a magnificent jewel. A diamond to me seems forced. By heat and pressure mined at the cost of quarrel and strife. It is not what I want my marriage represented by (though it feels that way sometimes). At the 5th store I found what I was looking for. I handed him my wedding band to have cleaned, winked and said I will use the restroom now, you can surprise me later. I want Joel to really think about what it represents for him and I certainly will give it that same thought and compassion. I do love my husband, I want us to be happy, but it will take time to have the intimacy that neither of us learned in our youth. It is a dream and desire we share and it is a deficiency we are both dealing with.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Nothin Spectacular just Ordinary Splendar
I played cribbage with my husband last night, after putting kids to bed, going grocery shopping, making my lunch, and convincing Joel that we've worked enough at 10:30pm we played cribbage. I enjoy my husbands company so much when he gives it to me and we make the time for it. Two nights ago we picked raspberries together and played badminton. Joel is a person I am working to be friends with. I am learning to accept him as a person and not just someone responsible for meeting a need. I am working on respecting him in language and action especially when we are in a disagreement. I want so bad to just be able to give and receive love with him without pain and hurts and betrayals and insecurities to take over that free flow. It is a slow and meandering river, but it is flowing and the damn is being demolished.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Where we are going
I had a wonderful evening last night leading the Tao group at our local fellowship...
If you know tao you may ask how does one lead a tao group. And how clever a question that would be. When I came home last night my husband asked me that exact question and I replied it's a lot more like facilitation lite.
We simply start with light snacking and there are always new faces so we give brief introductions with a focus question, last night it was how did you live tao over the last month. I talked about the fear and worry I often feel about physical danger and how I threw it away to take the red flyer wagon down the hill at the park. Quite a few laughs incurred and that is at the heart of what we try to accomplish. We then take a Tao verse (there are 81) and read both a common version we all had emailed to us and any other translation we bring ourselves. There are at least 6 or 7 other translations read. We use events from our own life and experience to try to understand the meaning within the verse and end up sharing a lot of wisdom, insight, saddness, and laughter. We gain peace, acceptance, confusion, dialogue, good will, understanding, and often more questions. The goal is to find balance and our own path of understanding in life.
It is truly an amazing group to be a part of. As a facilitator I think of questions to further the dialogue, and pay attention to other participants in case they are not given a chance to participate or maybe need a connection made between the verse and the most recent comment. Really we all take our turn with these areas. I feel very blessed by my ability to join in this group. It makes me reflect on my life in a meaningful and necessary way...it slows me down...I even rode my bike last night to get there. Peace.
If you know tao you may ask how does one lead a tao group. And how clever a question that would be. When I came home last night my husband asked me that exact question and I replied it's a lot more like facilitation lite.
We simply start with light snacking and there are always new faces so we give brief introductions with a focus question, last night it was how did you live tao over the last month. I talked about the fear and worry I often feel about physical danger and how I threw it away to take the red flyer wagon down the hill at the park. Quite a few laughs incurred and that is at the heart of what we try to accomplish. We then take a Tao verse (there are 81) and read both a common version we all had emailed to us and any other translation we bring ourselves. There are at least 6 or 7 other translations read. We use events from our own life and experience to try to understand the meaning within the verse and end up sharing a lot of wisdom, insight, saddness, and laughter. We gain peace, acceptance, confusion, dialogue, good will, understanding, and often more questions. The goal is to find balance and our own path of understanding in life.
It is truly an amazing group to be a part of. As a facilitator I think of questions to further the dialogue, and pay attention to other participants in case they are not given a chance to participate or maybe need a connection made between the verse and the most recent comment. Really we all take our turn with these areas. I feel very blessed by my ability to join in this group. It makes me reflect on my life in a meaningful and necessary way...it slows me down...I even rode my bike last night to get there. Peace.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Paradox
I had a fantabulous weekend. Fish fry at home Friday night. Walking quite a ways to the farmer's market with my children. Rolling down the hill at the park in our red flyer wagon. Eating fresh blueberries. Swimming in 100 degree weather, and hanging out at hte drive in theatre. I played Stratego with my son, had my daughter fall asleep in my arms, and cuddled and played with my youngest. What a great weekend.
I even went shopping for work clothes something I haven't done with a friend in many years. We were all business, but it was nice to have company and advice. I found great deals and feel confident with my selections.
My husband and I had a long talk about seperation...I don't know what is going to happen, but we are hurting and know that presently this isn't what each of us wants. Joel doesn't feel repsected or confident around me, and I am lonely for a friend that will spend time with me and speak their mind. We will see. I have many good friends but I would like to be married to my very best friend. I could be with a man or a woman, I could be alone, but I cannot be married and lonely.
I even went shopping for work clothes something I haven't done with a friend in many years. We were all business, but it was nice to have company and advice. I found great deals and feel confident with my selections.
My husband and I had a long talk about seperation...I don't know what is going to happen, but we are hurting and know that presently this isn't what each of us wants. Joel doesn't feel repsected or confident around me, and I am lonely for a friend that will spend time with me and speak their mind. We will see. I have many good friends but I would like to be married to my very best friend. I could be with a man or a woman, I could be alone, but I cannot be married and lonely.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Back at Work Again
The fourth was busy, a little overwhelming but for the most part really pleasant. We had quite a few visitors over the past few days, a lot of fellowship, and quite a bit of connection. On the 3rd, I got out of work an hour early (I also had to go in an hour early). My husband, who was supposed to be out at 3pm to pick up the kids and meet with his parents, didn't show up at the daycare till almost 4pm, and this created a little tension for us, we've been working on clear communication, respectful consideration, and truthfulness. My husband didn't call that he was running late.
In any case, we successfully picked up children, received his dad, step-mom, and brother from Iowa, and headed over to Annie and Erin's for a cook-out. At least 13 children, many relatives, and late night fireworks created a wonderfully full evening. I had all 3 of my children with me and it was magical. My husband and I shared laughs and jokes but never became completely right with the frustration from earlier in the evening. We had our chance the next day. I really enjoyed the company of my friends, loved having Avra fall asleep in my arms, and playing with Sienna, I never find enough time to spend with Dante. I am working on that.
The fourth brought a lot of claustrophobia and driving. But I love Sawdust days, we saw a live bear show with Syrian Bears (it was a little sad to know these were captive born bears raised for the purpose of entertainment and education) and lots of good food. Avra and Dante each bought a dagger necklace and my youngest daughter went on the spinning teacups twice with me. I convinced my Sister in law to bring her family to watch fireworks and I was a little bewildered by the revelation my 4 year old niece "received the holy ghost" and was blessed with the ability to "talk in tongues" recently. I'm not sure how to deal with that, so I just gave her my warmest wishes and fretted a bit for our whole bigger family thinking about the division that religion can often create within a diverse family. Especially if that religion is strict with a lot of dogma and separatism.
I hope the family will survive this.
All and all a good day back at work being able reflect on my full experience.
In any case, we successfully picked up children, received his dad, step-mom, and brother from Iowa, and headed over to Annie and Erin's for a cook-out. At least 13 children, many relatives, and late night fireworks created a wonderfully full evening. I had all 3 of my children with me and it was magical. My husband and I shared laughs and jokes but never became completely right with the frustration from earlier in the evening. We had our chance the next day. I really enjoyed the company of my friends, loved having Avra fall asleep in my arms, and playing with Sienna, I never find enough time to spend with Dante. I am working on that.
The fourth brought a lot of claustrophobia and driving. But I love Sawdust days, we saw a live bear show with Syrian Bears (it was a little sad to know these were captive born bears raised for the purpose of entertainment and education) and lots of good food. Avra and Dante each bought a dagger necklace and my youngest daughter went on the spinning teacups twice with me. I convinced my Sister in law to bring her family to watch fireworks and I was a little bewildered by the revelation my 4 year old niece "received the holy ghost" and was blessed with the ability to "talk in tongues" recently. I'm not sure how to deal with that, so I just gave her my warmest wishes and fretted a bit for our whole bigger family thinking about the division that religion can often create within a diverse family. Especially if that religion is strict with a lot of dogma and separatism.
I hope the family will survive this.
All and all a good day back at work being able reflect on my full experience.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Almost the 4th
I wanted to relay a conversation that I heard on NPR about the fourth of July. A caller called in frustrated and irritated and he asked. What is it with our country, why does everything we celebrate and hear about have to be related to the military? Why should we be celebrating yet another military conquest as a nation on the 4th of July (the revolutionary war) when what we need to talk about and stand for as a nation is peace. The guest that day was a die hard American fan, very patriotic, very in love with her country and it's principles. And though I am often skeptical of out right patriotic people she seemed like a sincere one to me. Her response was thus (in my own words).
Our country and it's revolution was not founded on war, but on the thought of a better way. The fourth of July celebrates the signing of a great document that represents a great loss and yet a great gain to the men who signed it. Those men were great land owners, with great privilege in Europe, they were of noble family and yet they believed in an independent country. When they signed the declaration of Independence they may have gained a country but at that time the country barely existed. They lost everything else materially that had connected them to Europe. They stood up for something greater than themselves. Granted we in the USA often stand up for things by going to war. But many of the revolutions we have created at home, personally, nationally, and abroad, were revolutions of thought and technology. The birth of our nation is not founded in war but in revolution of thought and we should all celebrate what it is to be human and able to stand up for what we individually believe in.
Our country and it's revolution was not founded on war, but on the thought of a better way. The fourth of July celebrates the signing of a great document that represents a great loss and yet a great gain to the men who signed it. Those men were great land owners, with great privilege in Europe, they were of noble family and yet they believed in an independent country. When they signed the declaration of Independence they may have gained a country but at that time the country barely existed. They lost everything else materially that had connected them to Europe. They stood up for something greater than themselves. Granted we in the USA often stand up for things by going to war. But many of the revolutions we have created at home, personally, nationally, and abroad, were revolutions of thought and technology. The birth of our nation is not founded in war but in revolution of thought and we should all celebrate what it is to be human and able to stand up for what we individually believe in.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Kick Ass Birthday
My son provided for us the opportunity to have a down right kick ass birthday party. He turns 9 actually today at 7:36pm, but yesterday was Sunday and a perfectly beautiful Sunday for a party.
My family: dad, two aunts 3 cousins and two brothers came. They are always a blast, very individualistic and always hilarious with their witty social commentary and expressive personalities.
My brother Isaac, the oldest of the three, gave us basement tips and bonded with my dad over solving the problem of our ever flooding basement ripe with creative downspouting and evolutionary ways of draining through our sewer system.
By middle brother Herby a comic relief and sport-o kid master kept himself busy with the 11 children present.
My cousin Philip, the quiet one who served in Iraq and has a beamer is insightful and has a gentle smile for everyone.
Micah the big teddy bear humanist is the rock-star for children ready to be climbed on or talk tech to, he also has a gentle nature that makes Friends easily.
Emily my young cousin still searching idealistic and ever hopeful talked Dan with us and children's names, as I said always hopeful.
My dad was ever excited about his new Love "Peg" short for Pegasus representing his new $20,000 flight investment. .Soon he will take to the sky in his parachute plane after tackling the internet training and flight hours. The real challenge will be the internet.
Gayla the lovey feely laughy aunt and Gwynn the planning beautiful matriarch fun loving aunt both represented and in the "house."
I love my family so much and even more because it is my father's side and I am his adopted daughter. My brothers and share a mother (another very long story) but Gear Bear (Gary) adopted me when I was 4.
Also Joel's family was there. One sister, brother in law, niece, mom, and stepdad. A quieter bunch, I have slowly built a good relationship with each of these people, Annaka my one and only niece/nephew is such a blessing to have in our family, aged perfectly between my two daughters it couldn't have been planned better. I love them and am growing everyday to appreciate them more.
But the spankinest part of the party was having my growing friendships, which have been increasingly important to my adult life, meet and greet with my family. Annie Bananie, and Angela have been an increasing influence, mostly bad and hysterically funny but necessary, on my well being, their husbands Erin (who I adore as a human being and has befriended my husband) and Jay, who I admire greatly for his constant (I'm sure socially shy induced) attention to his children.. It reminds me of my dad when I was young. My mom was often drinking or in need of a break from 4 kids so I remember him getting up with my brothers in the night, covering me up, playing baseball, building stuff for us, and hanging out by the team for all our sporting events. He took me hunting, fishing, camping, and on bike rides. Dads are really important.
Annie Angela and I have 10 children combines. Our three families could start out own nation and very possibly populate with very little fear of inbreeding.
This combined made our party fantastic.
We played badminton with Angela embarrassing my husband with naughty talk. Annie, kicking butt with her new Karate belted energy, and the kids giving it their all. We played "whores" with basketball but for lack of shots made we ended up just trying hard to make one and laughing a lot.
We ate a lot 1 whole cake and 20 cupcakes 30+brats a dozen hamburgers and 20 hotdogs.
We were a large fantastic family of friends and relatives.
Thanks all
My family: dad, two aunts 3 cousins and two brothers came. They are always a blast, very individualistic and always hilarious with their witty social commentary and expressive personalities.
My brother Isaac, the oldest of the three, gave us basement tips and bonded with my dad over solving the problem of our ever flooding basement ripe with creative downspouting and evolutionary ways of draining through our sewer system.
By middle brother Herby a comic relief and sport-o kid master kept himself busy with the 11 children present.
My cousin Philip, the quiet one who served in Iraq and has a beamer is insightful and has a gentle smile for everyone.
Micah the big teddy bear humanist is the rock-star for children ready to be climbed on or talk tech to, he also has a gentle nature that makes Friends easily.
Emily my young cousin still searching idealistic and ever hopeful talked Dan with us and children's names, as I said always hopeful.
My dad was ever excited about his new Love "Peg" short for Pegasus representing his new $20,000 flight investment. .Soon he will take to the sky in his parachute plane after tackling the internet training and flight hours. The real challenge will be the internet.
Gayla the lovey feely laughy aunt and Gwynn the planning beautiful matriarch fun loving aunt both represented and in the "house."
I love my family so much and even more because it is my father's side and I am his adopted daughter. My brothers and share a mother (another very long story) but Gear Bear (Gary) adopted me when I was 4.
Also Joel's family was there. One sister, brother in law, niece, mom, and stepdad. A quieter bunch, I have slowly built a good relationship with each of these people, Annaka my one and only niece/nephew is such a blessing to have in our family, aged perfectly between my two daughters it couldn't have been planned better. I love them and am growing everyday to appreciate them more.
But the spankinest part of the party was having my growing friendships, which have been increasingly important to my adult life, meet and greet with my family. Annie Bananie, and Angela have been an increasing influence, mostly bad and hysterically funny but necessary, on my well being, their husbands Erin (who I adore as a human being and has befriended my husband) and Jay, who I admire greatly for his constant (I'm sure socially shy induced) attention to his children.. It reminds me of my dad when I was young. My mom was often drinking or in need of a break from 4 kids so I remember him getting up with my brothers in the night, covering me up, playing baseball, building stuff for us, and hanging out by the team for all our sporting events. He took me hunting, fishing, camping, and on bike rides. Dads are really important.
Annie Angela and I have 10 children combines. Our three families could start out own nation and very possibly populate with very little fear of inbreeding.
This combined made our party fantastic.
We played badminton with Angela embarrassing my husband with naughty talk. Annie, kicking butt with her new Karate belted energy, and the kids giving it their all. We played "whores" with basketball but for lack of shots made we ended up just trying hard to make one and laughing a lot.
We ate a lot 1 whole cake and 20 cupcakes 30+brats a dozen hamburgers and 20 hotdogs.
We were a large fantastic family of friends and relatives.
Thanks all
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