what would i do

I need some creativity flowing through my blood, some juices of the divine coursing in and out of my heart and lungs and mind. I miss time to be creative and the motivation to express myself. I must first find some time to feel deep within myself what it is that needs to be expressed.

I have simplified my life quite a bit. Food, spending, activities, clothes, possessions all very near basic and simple. But I have not jumped into my life yet. I am still waiting, observing, thinking more about others and how to provide than sustaining the divine within me. I feel better in service to others and truly feel this is a beginning key. I just need to feel confident about my ability to consistantly provide that sustinance for my children. I need to be eating of the sweet honey and grains of the earth and not of human greed for more.

This may seem vague, but it is the closest to truth I have felt in a long time. I am working through a stand still in my life. I am feeling a great resevoir of power filling within me and the time will soon be ripe for it to pour out of me, I just need to concentrate on making it as pure and full as possible before the time comes to share my gifts with the world.

Creative project. I will paint, watercolor, of my favorite Tao poem including caligraphy and picture. This will simply be an act of therapy for myself. Creativity breeds life.

Spring Simplicity

Spring brings a new opportunity for a change in perspective. I have been inspired to start the family garden. We have rows of tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, and carrots started. I have been raking, and turning compost, and clearing weeds. I love being outside as it gets warmer and it always cheers my mood.

I have been biking more both to work and when bringing Sienna to school. I joined a baseball team but have only made one practice in 3 weeks, it is proving very difficult with my plate already as full as I would like it. Work , school , family, and friends. I need to exercise but I do not think it is the right time for a sports team.

Simplicity in food. I have been regularly substituting vegetables and veggie juice for sweets and carbs. I have been trying to eat less and better foods, not quite as successful but still being conscious of it will help.

I have been reading Thich Nhat Hanh and he said an interesting thing in Teachings on Love, you cannot seperate one from their culture, we must learn love, joy, compassion, and equanimity within our surrounds not without them. I want my children to feel a part of something bigger than them and their family. I want them to belong and yet to be growers of a new garden of peace and love. By creating a separate and isolated existence for my children I am not helping them.

I do not fear for my children's indoctrination into our culture, I am sure I have already instilled too many questions and thoughts for that to happen easily, but I am not enough a part of the culture to teach them about how it works from within. I must engage them and public education though well meaning, is hardly a substitute for moral and spiritual questing. This journeying into the depths of one's soul to find purpose and meaning in life is something we must all do and it must coincide with the culture in which we surround ourselves everyday if it is not to be completely selfish.

I love my children and will sacrifice for their greater good. I shall simplify my world view even more. We are all here living and breathing to the best of my knowledge this is reality and illusion. I do not know what happened before my birth nor do I know what will happen after my death. However, I am here, now, and suffering a great deal in isolation. No more, Kindness is my key to friendship and it would be foolish for me not to heed the many teachers of our time and time past. I am the key to my own suffering and in my life I can alleviate some of the suffering in this world.

Simple but not so simple

I have effectively succeeded at feeling completely unsuccessful much of the time. I am still pursuing simplicity. It is happening slowly but it has proven very difficult. I have been working very hard through the expectations I have as a parent and spouse and they do not always line up with simplicity.

I want to continue to work on my Master's degree, this will significantly enable me to puruse my passion but it takes up 15 hours a week. I also want to volunteer my time to a correlating and worthy cause, 3 hours a week. I still need to work, 20 hours a week. I have taken on an extra job task through work, 0-6 hours a week. Yet, my kids need a mom full time (45 hours a week) and my husband is so lost in this relationship that I feel he needs a guide (20 hours a week). Not simple at all. But I don't know how to shave things off. I have 30minutes a day to contemplate and more if I want to feel like a procratinator.

I would love to quit my job and spend more time pursuing my passions as I gear up for this fantastic career of counseling. My volunteering is only once per month, but the work is all comsuming even though it is a part time job. I miss my kids and do not have the emotional energy to pursue my marriage, unfortunately it is often the least rewarding with the least return and most output. It sounds mathmatical and harsh, but I really need to focus on life giving things and my marriage doesn't seem to be one of those things a lot of the time.

My husband is a good man, he is supportive of my path by saying so. But he is not a very emotionally available person with interest in our life together or our life as parents.

I have been wrestling with religion and my children. I want them to be grounded in morals and mystery and inquiry. I do not want them indoctrinated into Christianity (because the churches around us are globally exclusive) So I am working on finding opportunities with real people in public and free time to explore and question.

I have been eating and sleeping like junk, no matter how much I would like to simplify there I still am on 3rd shifts every other week and it takes about 3 days to adjust either way. My body is in need of exercise but my being is so exhausted.

Enough negativity. I am coming to the end of a long night and needed to share. But there is always light at the end of my tunnel and I am feeling more connected to my children every day.

Simple can be complicated

I love the idea of simplifying my life, but is it really practical with 3 children and a husband who have a very different perspective on simple. Mom it is much simpler to just turn on the TV, mom video games are pretty simple compared to chess, you meal is not simple it takes a lot of time actually. If simple just meant quick or convenient or immediate they would all be right. But trying to explain that simple means basic, close to the source, without frill, full of meaning and yes abstract is much more difficult to convey. Perhaps that is why simplicity isn't readily practiced it takes a lot more thought and work than convenience.

I have gotten back in tune with myself over the past month or so and it feels nice. Semi-regular meditation in no particular style, I am reading on other forms of meditation as well as just doing what feels right for me, sometimes it's reading poetry and a novel, sometimes it's just writing or sitting with my tea and "spacing out" at my son tells me. "Mom, hello, where are you, in outer space?" with all sorts of humorous sarcasm. "Yes" I tell him simply, how can I help you. As he rolls his eyes and repeats his need I am pulled back to this Maya of reality.

I sometimes go to church I love the quiet meditation at the Unity church. They may say they are Christian but they are truly the most universal group I have met with yet. No pomp or ritual, no hierarchy history or priesthood. I really enjoy it because it is people who feel a spirit within them (whatever they call it the holy spirit, the Christ spirit, mother/father god, sweet spirit, in my own mind I can just feel it and know what they mean by the name) They are in touch with their own center and it didn't even take 15 years of practice, they just know that they are more than this body and with that the journey begins. It is a pretty hip and unconventional sangha but it is my community of seekers right now.

I am also bringing my family into my search. Fortunately for them that means more time at the YMCA together, reading, games, hanging out, and existential questioning. That is my favorite. Buddhist children's stories and daily reading from the Dalai Lama. I've been teaching Avra about the Buddha and she like the story.

Food has been an issue for me. I love good tasting stuff, I love lots of tasty carbs. Toast with honey, chocolate cookies have been the devil, bruschetta bread, noodles, buns, cereal. I have been falling off the vegetable band wagon. More soups, more fruit (I really don't have a sweet tooth for fruit) less meat and bread. But I really think that it is the proper winter food potatoes bread meat all of whats left because the end of winter is nearing. Soon enough we will see spring and strawberries. I can't wait to plant my garden, my herbs are doing well in the window.

Clothing, everything is too tight. I am looking into comfortable, simple alternatives to the style of clothing I am wearing now. Free flowing, natural, comfortable, simple. I made my first pair of wrap pants, they will be nice for the summer but to open for the winter. But the use of my sewing machine was invaluable. I made something I can wear and it only took an afternoon. I now know the types of material I want to wear and look for.

My house is always a project I have simplified my living room, bedroom, kitchen and one shelf in the basement. Next up the rest of the basement and then possibly a meditation room down there?!?!?! we'll see.

I am well on my way and feeling great. I am reading Alan Watts and enjoy him immensely my next rampage may be the beat generation. I am also committed to learning about early Hinduism and more about Hinduism's connection with Buddhism.

Love, peace, and simplicity no matter how time consuming or complicated ;)

Simpicity it is

I am off and running with my vow of Simplicity. I have been taking the idea of vow very seriously. When I was in junior high I thought very seriously about becoming a nun. Not because I was extremely devout to a religious organization but because I felt a higher calling to help others, I enjoyed toughing it, and I wanted to live a life I felt was honorable. Though I left the catholic church when I was 13, I swooned over Maria's life in the sound of music making clothing out of curtains and getting away with looking beautiful in short hair. I loved the comedy and innocent acceptance in Sister Act with Woopi and still to this day have the rosary I bought with my own money from the Catholic gift store in Munising Michigan the summer before my great grand mother passed.

My great grand mother was a spiritual inspiration to me. She took care of so many people, was conscientious of her resources and lived simply and in prayer/meditation. She didn't care what the latest Vatican ruling was she was still going to pray for those in purgatory everyday. And knowing more about Catholic mysticism and devoutness I truly believe that the people she was praying for in purgatory were not dead but those in suffering alive today living in limbo without conviction or purpose. I feel it is very similar to what the Buddhist monks and nuns do.

The more I study monastic life the more similarities I draw among the Buddhists and catholic monks/nuns. I however will never be a religion again....(part of my simplicity) But I did think about carrying around an index card with all my beliefs written on one side and any new ones I find throughout life written on the other. I can cross out the ones that I don't need anymore as they become part of me instead of a belief I need to internalize yet or the ones I eventually discover that repeat one another. Right now this is all it would have on it:

4 noble truths
-there is suffering
-I am the cause of my suffering
-There is an answer for my suffering
-The answer is the 8-fold path
8 fold path
-true...vision, intention, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness, concentration
3 jewels
-to care
-to be fair
-to be humble
3 promises
-the divine is indwelling
-our teacher (the holy spirit) is thus within us
-this teacher will bring us peace
We are each individually responsible for finding our way to the source
Our deeds have consequences good and bad
Heaven and hell exist on Earth and are not permanent but fixtures of perspective.