what would i do

I need some creativity flowing through my blood, some juices of the divine coursing in and out of my heart and lungs and mind. I miss time to be creative and the motivation to express myself. I must first find some time to feel deep within myself what it is that needs to be expressed.

I have simplified my life quite a bit. Food, spending, activities, clothes, possessions all very near basic and simple. But I have not jumped into my life yet. I am still waiting, observing, thinking more about others and how to provide than sustaining the divine within me. I feel better in service to others and truly feel this is a beginning key. I just need to feel confident about my ability to consistantly provide that sustinance for my children. I need to be eating of the sweet honey and grains of the earth and not of human greed for more.

This may seem vague, but it is the closest to truth I have felt in a long time. I am working through a stand still in my life. I am feeling a great resevoir of power filling within me and the time will soon be ripe for it to pour out of me, I just need to concentrate on making it as pure and full as possible before the time comes to share my gifts with the world.

Creative project. I will paint, watercolor, of my favorite Tao poem including caligraphy and picture. This will simply be an act of therapy for myself. Creativity breeds life.

Spring Simplicity

Spring brings a new opportunity for a change in perspective. I have been inspired to start the family garden. We have rows of tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, and carrots started. I have been raking, and turning compost, and clearing weeds. I love being outside as it gets warmer and it always cheers my mood.

I have been biking more both to work and when bringing Sienna to school. I joined a baseball team but have only made one practice in 3 weeks, it is proving very difficult with my plate already as full as I would like it. Work , school , family, and friends. I need to exercise but I do not think it is the right time for a sports team.

Simplicity in food. I have been regularly substituting vegetables and veggie juice for sweets and carbs. I have been trying to eat less and better foods, not quite as successful but still being conscious of it will help.

I have been reading Thich Nhat Hanh and he said an interesting thing in Teachings on Love, you cannot seperate one from their culture, we must learn love, joy, compassion, and equanimity within our surrounds not without them. I want my children to feel a part of something bigger than them and their family. I want them to belong and yet to be growers of a new garden of peace and love. By creating a separate and isolated existence for my children I am not helping them.

I do not fear for my children's indoctrination into our culture, I am sure I have already instilled too many questions and thoughts for that to happen easily, but I am not enough a part of the culture to teach them about how it works from within. I must engage them and public education though well meaning, is hardly a substitute for moral and spiritual questing. This journeying into the depths of one's soul to find purpose and meaning in life is something we must all do and it must coincide with the culture in which we surround ourselves everyday if it is not to be completely selfish.

I love my children and will sacrifice for their greater good. I shall simplify my world view even more. We are all here living and breathing to the best of my knowledge this is reality and illusion. I do not know what happened before my birth nor do I know what will happen after my death. However, I am here, now, and suffering a great deal in isolation. No more, Kindness is my key to friendship and it would be foolish for me not to heed the many teachers of our time and time past. I am the key to my own suffering and in my life I can alleviate some of the suffering in this world.