The Gaia Hypothesis

what would i do

2009-06-15T06:10:00.002-05:00

I need some creativity flowing through my blood, some juices of the divine coursing in and out of my heart and lungs and mind. I miss time to be creative and the motivation to express myself. I must first find some time to feel deep within myself what it is that needs to be expressed.

I have simplified my life quite a bit. Food, spending, activities, clothes, possessions all very near basic and simple. But I have not jumped into my life yet. I am still waiting, observing, thinking more about others and how to provide than sustaining the divine within me. I feel better in service to others and truly feel this is a beginning key. I just need to feel confident about my ability to consistantly provide that sustinance for my children. I need to be eating of the sweet honey and grains of the earth and not of human greed for more.

This may seem vague, but it is the closest to truth I have felt in a long time. I am working through a stand still in my life. I am feeling a great resevoir of power filling within me and the time will soon be ripe for it to pour out of me, I just need to concentrate on making it as pure and full as possible before the time comes to share my gifts with the world.

Creative project. I will paint, watercolor, of my favorite Tao poem including caligraphy and picture. This will simply be an act of therapy for myself. Creativity breeds life.

Spring Simplicity

2009-04-20T03:42:00.002-05:00

Spring brings a new opportunity for a change in perspective. I have been inspired to start the family garden. We have rows of tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, and carrots started. I have been raking, and turning compost, and clearing weeds. I love being outside as it gets warmer and it always cheers my mood.

I have been biking more both to work and when bringing Sienna to school. I joined a baseball team but have only made one practice in 3 weeks, it is proving very difficult with my plate already as full as I would like it. Work , school , family, and friends. I need to exercise but I do not think it is the right time for a sports team.

Simplicity in food. I have been regularly substituting vegetables and veggie juice for sweets and carbs. I have been trying to eat less and better foods, not quite as successful but still being conscious of it will help.

I have been reading Thich Nhat Hanh and he said an interesting thing in Teachings on Love, you cannot seperate one from their culture, we must learn love, joy, compassion, and equanimity within our surrounds not without them. I want my children to feel a part of something bigger than them and their family. I want them to belong and yet to be growers of a new garden of peace and love. By creating a separate and isolated existence for my children I am not helping them.

I do not fear for my children's indoctrination into our culture, I am sure I have already instilled too many questions and thoughts for that to happen easily, but I am not enough a part of the culture to teach them about how it works from within. I must engage them and public education though well meaning, is hardly a substitute for moral and spiritual questing. This journeying into the depths of one's soul to find purpose and meaning in life is something we must all do and it must coincide with the culture in which we surround ourselves everyday if it is not to be completely selfish.

I love my children and will sacrifice for their greater good. I shall simplify my world view even more. We are all here living and breathing to the best of my knowledge this is reality and illusion. I do not know what happened before my birth nor do I know what will happen after my death. However, I am here, now, and suffering a great deal in isolation. No more, Kindness is my key to friendship and it would be foolish for me not to heed the many teachers of our time and time past. I am the key to my own suffering and in my life I can alleviate some of the suffering in this world.

Simple but not so simple

2009-03-23T06:36:00.003-05:00

I have effectively succeeded at feeling completely unsuccessful much of the time. I am still pursuing simplicity. It is happening slowly but it has proven very difficult. I have been working very hard through the expectations I have as a parent and spouse and they do not always line up with simplicity.

I want to continue to work on my Master's degree, this will significantly enable me to puruse my passion but it takes up 15 hours a week. I also want to volunteer my time to a correlating and worthy cause, 3 hours a week. I still need to work, 20 hours a week. I have taken on an extra job task through work, 0-6 hours a week. Yet, my kids need a mom full time (45 hours a week) and my husband is so lost in this relationship that I feel he needs a guide (20 hours a week). Not simple at all. But I don't know how to shave things off. I have 30minutes a day to contemplate and more if I want to feel like a procratinator.

I would love to quit my job and spend more time pursuing my passions as I gear up for this fantastic career of counseling. My volunteering is only once per month, but the work is all comsuming even though it is a part time job. I miss my kids and do not have the emotional energy to pursue my marriage, unfortunately it is often the least rewarding with the least return and most output. It sounds mathmatical and harsh, but I really need to focus on life giving things and my marriage doesn't seem to be one of those things a lot of the time.

My husband is a good man, he is supportive of my path by saying so. But he is not a very emotionally available person with interest in our life together or our life as parents.

I have been wrestling with religion and my children. I want them to be grounded in morals and mystery and inquiry. I do not want them indoctrinated into Christianity (because the churches around us are globally exclusive) So I am working on finding opportunities with real people in public and free time to explore and question.

I have been eating and sleeping like junk, no matter how much I would like to simplify there I still am on 3rd shifts every other week and it takes about 3 days to adjust either way. My body is in need of exercise but my being is so exhausted.

Enough negativity. I am coming to the end of a long night and needed to share. But there is always light at the end of my tunnel and I am feeling more connected to my children every day.

Simple can be complicated

2009-01-30T13:08:00.002-06:00

I love the idea of simplifying my life, but is it really practical with 3 children and a husband who have a very different perspective on simple. Mom it is much simpler to just turn on the TV, mom video games are pretty simple compared to chess, you meal is not simple it takes a lot of time actually. If simple just meant quick or convenient or immediate they would all be right. But trying to explain that simple means basic, close to the source, without frill, full of meaning and yes abstract is much more difficult to convey. Perhaps that is why simplicity isn't readily practiced it takes a lot more thought and work than convenience.

I have gotten back in tune with myself over the past month or so and it feels nice. Semi-regular meditation in no particular style, I am reading on other forms of meditation as well as just doing what feels right for me, sometimes it's reading poetry and a novel, sometimes it's just writing or sitting with my tea and "spacing out" at my son tells me. "Mom, hello, where are you, in outer space?" with all sorts of humorous sarcasm. "Yes" I tell him simply, how can I help you. As he rolls his eyes and repeats his need I am pulled back to this Maya of reality.

I sometimes go to church I love the quiet meditation at the Unity church. They may say they are Christian but they are truly the most universal group I have met with yet. No pomp or ritual, no hierarchy history or priesthood. I really enjoy it because it is people who feel a spirit within them (whatever they call it the holy spirit, the Christ spirit, mother/father god, sweet spirit, in my own mind I can just feel it and know what they mean by the name) They are in touch with their own center and it didn't even take 15 years of practice, they just know that they are more than this body and with that the journey begins. It is a pretty hip and unconventional sangha but it is my community of seekers right now.

I am also bringing my family into my search. Fortunately for them that means more time at the YMCA together, reading, games, hanging out, and existential questioning. That is my favorite. Buddhist children's stories and daily reading from the Dalai Lama. I've been teaching Avra about the Buddha and she like the story.

Food has been an issue for me. I love good tasting stuff, I love lots of tasty carbs. Toast with honey, chocolate cookies have been the devil, bruschetta bread, noodles, buns, cereal. I have been falling off the vegetable band wagon. More soups, more fruit (I really don't have a sweet tooth for fruit) less meat and bread. But I really think that it is the proper winter food potatoes bread meat all of whats left because the end of winter is nearing. Soon enough we will see spring and strawberries. I can't wait to plant my garden, my herbs are doing well in the window.

Clothing, everything is too tight. I am looking into comfortable, simple alternatives to the style of clothing I am wearing now. Free flowing, natural, comfortable, simple. I made my first pair of wrap pants, they will be nice for the summer but to open for the winter. But the use of my sewing machine was invaluable. I made something I can wear and it only took an afternoon. I now know the types of material I want to wear and look for.

My house is always a project I have simplified my living room, bedroom, kitchen and one shelf in the basement. Next up the rest of the basement and then possibly a meditation room down there?!?!?! we'll see.

I am well on my way and feeling great. I am reading Alan Watts and enjoy him immensely my next rampage may be the beat generation. I am also committed to learning about early Hinduism and more about Hinduism's connection with Buddhism.

Love, peace, and simplicity no matter how time consuming or complicated ;)

Simpicity it is

2009-01-12T23:57:00.002-06:00

I am off and running with my vow of Simplicity. I have been taking the idea of vow very seriously. When I was in junior high I thought very seriously about becoming a nun. Not because I was extremely devout to a religious organization but because I felt a higher calling to help others, I enjoyed toughing it, and I wanted to live a life I felt was honorable. Though I left the catholic church when I was 13, I swooned over Maria's life in the sound of music making clothing out of curtains and getting away with looking beautiful in short hair. I loved the comedy and innocent acceptance in Sister Act with Woopi and still to this day have the rosary I bought with my own money from the Catholic gift store in Munising Michigan the summer before my great grand mother passed.

My great grand mother was a spiritual inspiration to me. She took care of so many people, was conscientious of her resources and lived simply and in prayer/meditation. She didn't care what the latest Vatican ruling was she was still going to pray for those in purgatory everyday. And knowing more about Catholic mysticism and devoutness I truly believe that the people she was praying for in purgatory were not dead but those in suffering alive today living in limbo without conviction or purpose. I feel it is very similar to what the Buddhist monks and nuns do.

The more I study monastic life the more similarities I draw among the Buddhists and catholic monks/nuns. I however will never be a religion again....(part of my simplicity) But I did think about carrying around an index card with all my beliefs written on one side and any new ones I find throughout life written on the other. I can cross out the ones that I don't need anymore as they become part of me instead of a belief I need to internalize yet or the ones I eventually discover that repeat one another. Right now this is all it would have on it:

4 noble truths
-there is suffering
-I am the cause of my suffering
-There is an answer for my suffering
-The answer is the 8-fold path
8 fold path
-true...vision, intention, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness, concentration
3 jewels
-to care
-to be fair
-to be humble
3 promises
-the divine is indwelling
-our teacher (the holy spirit) is thus within us
-this teacher will bring us peace
We are each individually responsible for finding our way to the source
Our deeds have consequences good and bad
Heaven and hell exist on Earth and are not permanent but fixtures of perspective.

Simplicity

2008-12-27T23:48:00.003-06:00

I am taking a vow of simplicity. What this fully entails I am not sure of yet but I need this work in progress to begin at some point and I am tired of feeling overwhelmed by my life. Simplicity in food, clothing, shelter, creed, relationships, beliefs, words, and works.

Most important is to make sure each of my moments is being used to promote my life and the balance of all life.

I love the earth, my children, my husband, my family, and my friends. I have simple needs but confuse those with far more complex desires that haunt and distract me.

It is the time of winter, north, dreams and ancestors. This is a good time for creating plans and preparing for the spring of our new day. I take comfort in the white blanket of this time and appreciate the teachings of simpler ways and simpler times.

Winter

2008-12-15T02:53:00.002-06:00

I am in love at last. It has taken 5 long years and another 29 but as the ice melts my love grows.

I am letting my husband in finally, and part of that is the process of letting myself out. I decided to go hog wild. Instead of pursuing a license in Alcohol and Drug counseling I am pursuing my Masters in Counseling with an emphasis in Mental Health. The most important part of the program is the focus on self cultivation. No one wants a therapist more fucked up than the patient. I have spend the last half of this year working on my own self education and despite the seduction of becoming stuck in myself I have actually blossomed and begun to express myself again. It can become tough when you feel trapped in your life to let yourself out. But love feels good, life feels good, my husband feels good.

This self explosion has been 29 years in the making. It's about damn time especially in light of my 3rd decade coming to completion.

A few things had to wane in order for me to grow. I left my fellowship. This was hard. For 10 years I have been teaching religious education to all different age groups and it has been an important focus for me. For the last 4years I have been working specifically with Senior High youth. This was my passion my niche in the fellowship. Mentoring, discussing, bonding, and challenging youth to simply be took far more bucking of the system than I could have imagined in such a liberal faith. But adults are adults no matter what their political and theological leanings and they will never get past that youth are not simply little adults; they are vibrant creative beings at their own level of existence... I really think we give some of that up to take on the illusion of adulthood's massive "responsibilities."

I also took a break from the Tao group and it is proving for its own benefit. The new DRE for the fellowship pursued making the Tao group a more formal meeting within the fellowship. This could be seen as either positive or negative depending on your perspective but what it did was show the true muster of the remaining Tao group participants. The Tao is a mystery that flows endlessly with no beginning and no end. This could be understood as meaning that a monthly Wednesday night meeting decided but governing board of the fellowship as an inflexible offering of the FVUUF is not very Tao like but the reaction to it was. Now called the two-headed Tao group a faction has decided to at least have a second rotating meeting at Harmony Cafe advertised in the Scene newspaper. I give my kudos to the remaining members and will be so happy to join at Harmony Cafe as a random participant instead of an organizer and facilitator. I am not to comfortable with roles of power and others looking to me for direction. I prefer looking into myself and working to be a mirror for others.

I am at peace and working to maintain harmony in my education, family, vocation, and self.

As it Sits

2008-05-21T08:39:00.002-05:00

Two weeks from tomorrow and I will be home... It has been awhile and the house sure shows it. Not one room has been thoroughly gone through in over a year, the closets are stuffed, the floors dirty, the walls stained. My first few jobs will be big ones but necessary.

Plant the garden, clean each room systematically, repair and clean the cars, repair the hall window upstairs, paint, redo the flower beds, and this summer we do Mom and Dad's room.

I need a small part time job too... that can wait a little bit, no sweat.

I am applying for a certificate program, something to pursue for in the future. I am excited and can work slowly and the area fills my soul.

Most importantly continue to center in my spirituality. I have really enjoyed the Buddhist group and will spend more time and energy on the Tao group. Planning a retreat and helping to make the meetings more dymanic. Also the friends I keep, help keep me sane. I have taken a lot from them this past year because of the needs of working and mothering and wifing, now I can give back quite a bit more I hope.

A new Step a new Plan

2008-05-14T13:45:00.002-05:00

Wow, I truly did not think this would happen for me. Joel did the job thing. He spent 2 months updating resume, creating networks and contact and most importantly building up his confidence and self esteem. My hubby got himself a brand new job. Complete with higher wage, a commute and some travel. This is a huge change. My plans will need to be reworked, but as is life. I am so happy to see him so happy with his own accomplishment. This job forces us to deal with a few quandaries. 1. This job is intensive and demanding, it is in Green Bay and his office is out of Chicago, I can no longer work full time if we want to still have any relationship with our children. 2. I quit my job, my first real professional job, I am sad 3. We will not be going to Iowa anytime soon 4. I will need to find part time work and refigure my goals by mid summer. This is a lot to think about but good to get into perspective now. Short post but more to come!!!

Busy Busy Bee

2008-01-24T15:02:00.000-06:00

Sienna hates me Avra doesn't know me and Dante just shakes his head. Mom just isn't around. I need more time with them. Hence P.O.P 2.1 or 1.2 depending on what Joel types in his messages to me. Pay of PMI is the goal for the beginning of this year. Our taxes, bonus, any extra money coming our way will go to paying off our 20% down on the house. With PMI off out mortgage we can refinance it lower our payments rework our budget and hopefully by summer spend much more time together as a family and not so much time working.

Semitic studies in early modern comics. This is the class I am signed up for and I also found an online philosophy of religion class I hope to take. My goals are getting clearer the road more real and the challenges for confrontational. Iowa here we come someday. We will have the equity I will have the letters of recommendation and now we just need the patience and understanding of our children family and friends for this scholastic venture into Iowa in a few years. Professor Taylor sounds nice, but intellectual freedom sounds nicer.

Annie set me up with a new love and interest recently, Joel eat your heart out but there is a new man of consequence in my life, Joseph Campbell, the more I read about him the more I am willing to feel vindicated and right about my own views on spirituality and religion. I understand him and though he is almost 20 years gone I feel he understands me. He also started a Catholic turned to spirituality by the native history of out nation. I am Chippewa and was raised with those stories. I found psychology, eastern religion and then eventually self acceptance of my unorthodox and big picture thoughts. I will enjoy learning m ore about him and perhaps writing a review of him for admissions.

-Thank you Annie

Erin gave me great insight into his very successful and progressively manages tech business. This would be a realistic industry for me to fall back on, but I must first fail miserably at my own ambitions. Thank you Erin.

Angie you have given me acceptance and flattery by asking me to help with your project I will not let you down and we will get Jason to open up yet...how cool am I that I also own an INDEPENDENT sweatshirt.... I think I will wear it next time I am around him.

Melissa- I was blessed with one of the most wonderful date nights in a while, even mama mia will have a hard beating out the gambling camaraderie established the other night.

I was low today but I have been brought out of the dark by my own insight with a little help. As a wise man once said...

GOOD! I want you day dreaming, that's where the grandiose dreams of life are hatched...
those golden dreams that inspire us to defy gravity and believe in the unbelievable. Let the world work on whittling away your dream, that's what reality is good for. Our work is to keep the dream big, to move the world to make it fit... and to never stop dreaming.
So keep on Renee, without dreams life is drab, our thoughts settle, and there is nothing to illuminate another way.

You inspire me!- Joel Taylor

One for the Money Two for the show

2008-01-11T11:45:00.000-06:00

It sure has been awhile but a lot has certainly occured in that time to prevent me from entering those events in.

My friend Annie entered me in on her new Bluufox website. It was a neat interview process and I appreciate her journalistic savvy. You can read it at http://reneetaylor.blogspot.com/.

I also had a wonderfully successful retreat experience with Joel for the Heart to Heart. This was a weekend of introspection and couple dialogue meant to spur new connection and better conversation on important matters of our lives. It was wonderful while it lasted. Presently Joel is on the couch, we are taking "time apart" to think about what we really want from life and from each other. Apparently Joel is really taking advantage of this time he has been impressing me with interesting insights about himself and life. He has been exercising and going in early in the morning so we don't see him then but I do get some good alone time then on Thursdays he takes the evening to write read go out do what he likes. I have started my French Class and am ready to sign up for my first religious studies class next Monday. I am still going strong with the Tao group and have been managing work and home far more successfully.

I had quite a few lofty New Years goals, the most important are to continue with my educational goals and get healthy. I decided a workout class was not quite my style but I have made workout time!! Twice a week for now. I am also spending time reading and being with the kids more. I will soon being spending a lot more time studying but I am excited for that.

I have been reestablishing my friendships with much rigor, I miss them and needs them and have so much fun with them...all I can say is PervArtistry!?!?!?!?!

I will try to be more diligent not that other's depend on this sight, Melissa, but I need it to vent and explore who I am and what I want out of life.

Talk to you soon-

Dream a little dream for me

2007-10-05T11:02:00.000-05:00

It has been a while yet again. Many ideas and conversations later and now I have time to share. Of course my life has been anything but complacent, however, the rush of everyday leaves me little time to contemplate or analyse, this makes me sad.

September flew by, the kids love school. Dante is starting cello, enjoys gaming club and has been excellent about keeping up with his homework. Avra will be starting gymnastics, is working hard with reading and is wild about her pierced ears and short haircut. Sienna is almost all potty trained, is becoming ever more vocal and independent and I think is missing being at home.

To be honest I miss it too. I enjoy having a job, I love learning new things and keeping myself challenged, however I miss my kids. The new challenge is to find a career I can involve my family in. A couple ideas have sprung between my husband and I.

1. A children's retail shop for the natural parent and conscientious shopper.
2. Retreat center
3. Bed and breakfast
4. Writing a book together on natural parenting in the modern world

I need to dream, it keeps me healthy, but in order to be more involved in my children's lives I will need to do more than just dream. I love you all I miss you all, someday I will be more available.

Broken Wing

2007-09-07T16:11:00.000-05:00

My father

A man of modesty, humility, adventure, and generosity.

He was hurt, very hurt and in a lot of pain.

He was dashed down at the height of exploration;

And his person was shattered, his soul ripped.

He endured.

He overcame.

He is healing.

He did not know until that day the love that exists for his person.

He questioned the worth of his life and we all shouted back "immeasurable!"

He grieves for his security, he desires this pain undone, waking in the past.

Bravely he perseveres, this man of modesty, forward;

Living can be heavy but he is stronger.

Up till today but not quite yesterday

2007-09-07T15:58:00.000-05:00

It sure has been a while and all is well. During August my family and I had the pleasure of camping in Iowa on the Wapsi river and on the Wolf river near New London. It rained on the Wolf. Poured, drenched us and left the children with lingering coughs even a month later, but we prevailed and endured. We made pizza in cast iron dutch ovens in the rain, we played games and laughed. We had a fantastic time with our friends from Columbus and even allowed the Couple we were camping with a childless date night as we brought all the children back to our house so they didn't have to sleep in the rain. Even though they have linger coughs we at least prevented pneumonia.

August came to an end and we were very busy with Sienna's birthday and the preparations accustomed to children starting school. I also started school, grad school, business school learning numbers and the inner workings of corporate thought. It seems very unlike me. I love nature, people, holism, and spirituality... what could I possibly be doing with business. This has created much though for me. I have been centered in the human services for over 13 years, teaching helping taking care of serving. I enjoy this immensely but I am ready for new challenges. I want to test my mind in new ways and help people in a different light. I want to learn to give sound and necessary financial advise. As I gain in years I find that I still don't like money, but it is a tool , a means, an opportunity, it can be the difference between life and death in the most extreme cases and the difference between being able to retire or having to work until you die. I want to help people of any means have enough to be comfortable to have insurance and to keep their families secure. I also want to reach our economically and look at global systems how they effect each other and the effects of poverty globally. I want to continue to learn about our world and economy is a world I have not explored enough, numbers are a new realm that I am finding I enjoy. The art of understanding in an objective yet creative way...

You can solve any problem even if the answer has to be I don't know.

Home Again Home Again Jiggidy Jigg

2007-08-06T16:29:00.001-05:00

What a whirlwind adventure. I saw the sky, the farm fields, lake Michigan, the Grand Canyon, and Rocky Mountains all from above the clouds. This was truly amazing for me. LA was a huge disappointment to fly into. As we were departing from the Rockies I noticed a thick yellow fog, a maze of concrete and small amount of movement, no trees, no water, no white clouds, it was LA. This was the dirtiest airport and if it weren't for the people a complete waste except perhaps to remind us the the constant waste we as humans create.
I visited and studied at Amgen the company I work for, on disease states and biologic medications, I studied late into the night, ate great pizza and met wonderful people from the other sales reps I studies with to the bartender (a native of Hawaii) and the cab driver (perhaps Cuban) who were so friendly and gracious. I did not feel foreign or out of place, it amazes how similar all people are despite there backgrounds and regions.
I went to Malibu and ate seafood on the coast.
I went to Malibu and was doused by the ocean with the help of the Hospital Neurology Marketing Director.
Shortly there after I slept a couple of hours and proceeded east.
My family met me in Milwaukee after the exhilarating triumph of flying over Lake Michigan (there comes a point when the blue of the lake and the blue of the sky become inseparable and you feel like you are simply in a vast and beautiful void).
I hopped a trip in my families mini-van (family included) to Iowa for a fun filled in-law family reunion, complete with my presently healing brother and travel exhaustion.
I came home to a dismantled and packed up house, with new windows and doors, no sooner did we arrive when the first of many "situations" occurred. The girls were so excited about the new windows that they leaned against one and popped out the screen material from the screen border, another job...
I am back at work, enjoying the peace of my desk and excited to spend home time with my children.

Love and Memories is all we can aspire to.

With an achin in my heart

2007-07-26T12:33:00.000-05:00

I'm goin to California...

I am so excited for the adventure, I know it is with work, I know that I won't have much free time, I know that I don't even particularly enjoy the "West Coast" culture. But I am going with an open mind and heart, with the love of my family, and the intention to experience what I can and impress those I work for with my ability to do what they need our program to do.

Before any of this can happen though there is much preparation. Our house needs to be packed up because while I am gone all of our windows will be replaced and the old ones are doused in lead based paint. We need to take everything off the walls, move all furniture 5ft from every window, hangings off the windows, even in the basement we need to move everything. I need to pack up the kids for staying in a hotel that night, pack up the van for camping that next weekend (right when they pick me up from the airport). And if I have time pack myself up too. Whoa I need to take a breath.

I have been thoroughly enjoying my Yoga class, My mind and body needs it.

I will read, study, go to classes, eat in a fancy restaurant, and so yoga by the ocean...in California.

I will miss my family, I will come back refreshed.

Pearls

2007-07-23T14:43:00.000-05:00

I miss my son.

I really enjoyed my date with him. We opened up his first bank account and he was so professional. He wanted to recite all of the relevant information himself and was curious about all of the terms of the account. Next we went to spend his gift certificate at Target from his birthday. He really wanted a baseball computer game and there wasn't one, so we looked at the Gameboy games and there wasn't one, so we went to the toys and he set his heart on a little electric guitar. It made my heart sing to get him an instrument over a video game so we got Icees to celebrate. We went home and tried out his guitar, it was fabulously fun to watch him concentrate so hard on the sounds he was orchestrating, we discovered every edge and curve of his zebra striped guitar then we left on our bikes to get some dinner. Dante wanted a buffet and streak, we compromised with Chinese and he had taryaki chicken on a stick. After we stuffed ourselves silly and I told him about work and he told me about school we went to visit cousin Micah on the way to the cheap seats. Dante and he played chess and I discovered a kneeling chair that I fell in love with. We carried our good energy with us to the discount theatre where we watch the motorcycles flick Wild Hogs. Hilarious. We rode our bikes back home at 11pm and found our selves dreamily comforted by our evening and entered our slumber more quickly and peacefully than usual. I love my son.

Saturday was tougher. Joel and I weren't clicking. I was feeling disconnected and Joel was still stuck in "island" mode, not talking about things with me or including me in any of his thoughts/ Not really absorbing anything I was saying, simply on autopilot. We surmounted our morning to have a relatively pleasant afternoon walking down with the girls to the children's museum meeting up with Angie and her children. Sienna had diareah and shat all over the ground, her dress, underwear and Joel's arm (watch included all the little holes in the watch strap included). After cleaning her the best we could and keeping her in a diaper the rest of the day we pursued the museum and had good time. The way home proved difficult again for Joel and I. I was still feeling disconnected and sensitive with him and needed more affection and response than I was getting. I became ever more unpleasant to be around and had the first incling of an ever more difficult weekend for me physically and emotionally. I was feeling ill when we got home and tried to rest. Joel was a little more receptive and heard me out. I listened to him as well and we made a plan of action to relax and spend some more good time with the girls. Off to the mall we went.

Avra and I got our ears pierced. this is a nervous situation for me because my mother and i are both very allergic to nickle and even yellow gold contained nickel. So i used white gold and gave Avra 24c gold just in case. We spent over $50 so I let Avra pick out a $25 free item (the special they were running that weekend). She picked out a beautiful double heart necklace.

Avra and Sienna were so brave for me. They held my knee as I became scared, Sienna handed me the "pierced puppy" the piercing place had. Avra didn't even flinch when she got hers done.

Joel thought we should just peak at some belated engagement rings. I just wanted a simple pearl on a gold band. Boy was that difficult. They want to put so many complicated things around a pearl to try to make it "more elegant, more beautiful, more desirable, more valuable." I enjoy the pearl because of the time it take to grow and cultivate, it symbolizes what a marriage should become, more elegant and valuable with the years. It starts as just a grain a desire a wish and eventually and slowly with its own time and its own ways grows into a magnificent jewel. A diamond to me seems forced. By heat and pressure mined at the cost of quarrel and strife. It is not what I want my marriage represented by (though it feels that way sometimes). At the 5th store I found what I was looking for. I handed him my wedding band to have cleaned, winked and said I will use the restroom now, you can surprise me later. I want Joel to really think about what it represents for him and I certainly will give it that same thought and compassion. I do love my husband, I want us to be happy, but it will take time to have the intimacy that neither of us learned in our youth. It is a dream and desire we share and it is a deficiency we are both dealing with.

Nothin Spectacular just Ordinary Splendar

2007-07-18T11:58:00.000-05:00

I played cribbage with my husband last night, after putting kids to bed, going grocery shopping, making my lunch, and convincing Joel that we've worked enough at 10:30pm we played cribbage. I enjoy my husbands company so much when he gives it to me and we make the time for it. Two nights ago we picked raspberries together and played badminton. Joel is a person I am working to be friends with. I am learning to accept him as a person and not just someone responsible for meeting a need. I am working on respecting him in language and action especially when we are in a disagreement. I want so bad to just be able to give and receive love with him without pain and hurts and betrayals and insecurities to take over that free flow. It is a slow and meandering river, but it is flowing and the damn is being demolished.

Where we are going

2007-07-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful evening last night leading the Tao group at our local fellowship...

If you know tao you may ask how does one lead a tao group. And how clever a question that would be. When I came home last night my husband asked me that exact question and I replied it's a lot more like facilitation lite.

We simply start with light snacking and there are always new faces so we give brief introductions with a focus question, last night it was how did you live tao over the last month. I talked about the fear and worry I often feel about physical danger and how I threw it away to take the red flyer wagon down the hill at the park. Quite a few laughs incurred and that is at the heart of what we try to accomplish. We then take a Tao verse (there are 81) and read both a common version we all had emailed to us and any other translation we bring ourselves. There are at least 6 or 7 other translations read. We use events from our own life and experience to try to understand the meaning within the verse and end up sharing a lot of wisdom, insight, saddness, and laughter. We gain peace, acceptance, confusion, dialogue, good will, understanding, and often more questions. The goal is to find balance and our own path of understanding in life.

It is truly an amazing group to be a part of. As a facilitator I think of questions to further the dialogue, and pay attention to other participants in case they are not given a chance to participate or maybe need a connection made between the verse and the most recent comment. Really we all take our turn with these areas. I feel very blessed by my ability to join in this group. It makes me reflect on my life in a meaningful and necessary way...it slows me down...I even rode my bike last night to get there. Peace.

Paradox

2007-07-09T16:22:00.001-05:00

I had a fantabulous weekend. Fish fry at home Friday night. Walking quite a ways to the farmer's market with my children. Rolling down the hill at the park in our red flyer wagon. Eating fresh blueberries. Swimming in 100 degree weather, and hanging out at hte drive in theatre. I played Stratego with my son, had my daughter fall asleep in my arms, and cuddled and played with my youngest. What a great weekend.

I even went shopping for work clothes something I haven't done with a friend in many years. We were all business, but it was nice to have company and advice. I found great deals and feel confident with my selections.

My husband and I had a long talk about seperation...I don't know what is going to happen, but we are hurting and know that presently this isn't what each of us wants. Joel doesn't feel repsected or confident around me, and I am lonely for a friend that will spend time with me and speak their mind. We will see. I have many good friends but I would like to be married to my very best friend. I could be with a man or a woman, I could be alone, but I cannot be married and lonely.

Back at Work Again

2007-07-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

The fourth was busy, a little overwhelming but for the most part really pleasant. We had quite a few visitors over the past few days, a lot of fellowship, and quite a bit of connection. On the 3rd, I got out of work an hour early (I also had to go in an hour early). My husband, who was supposed to be out at 3pm to pick up the kids and meet with his parents, didn't show up at the daycare till almost 4pm, and this created a little tension for us, we've been working on clear communication, respectful consideration, and truthfulness. My husband didn't call that he was running late.

In any case, we successfully picked up children, received his dad, step-mom, and brother from Iowa, and headed over to Annie and Erin's for a cook-out. At least 13 children, many relatives, and late night fireworks created a wonderfully full evening. I had all 3 of my children with me and it was magical. My husband and I shared laughs and jokes but never became completely right with the frustration from earlier in the evening. We had our chance the next day. I really enjoyed the company of my friends, loved having Avra fall asleep in my arms, and playing with Sienna, I never find enough time to spend with Dante. I am working on that.

The fourth brought a lot of claustrophobia and driving. But I love Sawdust days, we saw a live bear show with Syrian Bears (it was a little sad to know these were captive born bears raised for the purpose of entertainment and education) and lots of good food. Avra and Dante each bought a dagger necklace and my youngest daughter went on the spinning teacups twice with me. I convinced my Sister in law to bring her family to watch fireworks and I was a little bewildered by the revelation my 4 year old niece "received the holy ghost" and was blessed with the ability to "talk in tongues" recently. I'm not sure how to deal with that, so I just gave her my warmest wishes and fretted a bit for our whole bigger family thinking about the division that religion can often create within a diverse family. Especially if that religion is strict with a lot of dogma and separatism.

I hope the family will survive this.

All and all a good day back at work being able reflect on my full experience.

Almost the 4th

2007-07-03T12:02:00.000-05:00

I wanted to relay a conversation that I heard on NPR about the fourth of July. A caller called in frustrated and irritated and he asked. What is it with our country, why does everything we celebrate and hear about have to be related to the military? Why should we be celebrating yet another military conquest as a nation on the 4th of July (the revolutionary war) when what we need to talk about and stand for as a nation is peace. The guest that day was a die hard American fan, very patriotic, very in love with her country and it's principles. And though I am often skeptical of out right patriotic people she seemed like a sincere one to me. Her response was thus (in my own words).

Our country and it's revolution was not founded on war, but on the thought of a better way. The fourth of July celebrates the signing of a great document that represents a great loss and yet a great gain to the men who signed it. Those men were great land owners, with great privilege in Europe, they were of noble family and yet they believed in an independent country. When they signed the declaration of Independence they may have gained a country but at that time the country barely existed. They lost everything else materially that had connected them to Europe. They stood up for something greater than themselves. Granted we in the USA often stand up for things by going to war. But many of the revolutions we have created at home, personally, nationally, and abroad, were revolutions of thought and technology. The birth of our nation is not founded in war but in revolution of thought and we should all celebrate what it is to be human and able to stand up for what we individually believe in.

Kick Ass Birthday

2007-07-02T12:28:00.000-05:00

My son provided for us the opportunity to have a down right kick ass birthday party. He turns 9 actually today at 7:36pm, but yesterday was Sunday and a perfectly beautiful Sunday for a party.
My family: dad, two aunts 3 cousins and two brothers came. They are always a blast, very individualistic and always hilarious with their witty social commentary and expressive personalities.
My brother Isaac, the oldest of the three, gave us basement tips and bonded with my dad over solving the problem of our ever flooding basement ripe with creative downspouting and evolutionary ways of draining through our sewer system.
By middle brother Herby a comic relief and sport-o kid master kept himself busy with the 11 children present.
My cousin Philip, the quiet one who served in Iraq and has a beamer is insightful and has a gentle smile for everyone.
Micah the big teddy bear humanist is the rock-star for children ready to be climbed on or talk tech to, he also has a gentle nature that makes Friends easily.
Emily my young cousin still searching idealistic and ever hopeful talked Dan with us and children's names, as I said always hopeful.
My dad was ever excited about his new Love "Peg" short for Pegasus representing his new $20,000 flight investment. .Soon he will take to the sky in his parachute plane after tackling the internet training and flight hours. The real challenge will be the internet.
Gayla the lovey feely laughy aunt and Gwynn the planning beautiful matriarch fun loving aunt both represented and in the "house."
I love my family so much and even more because it is my father's side and I am his adopted daughter. My brothers and share a mother (another very long story) but Gear Bear (Gary) adopted me when I was 4.
Also Joel's family was there. One sister, brother in law, niece, mom, and stepdad. A quieter bunch, I have slowly built a good relationship with each of these people, Annaka my one and only niece/nephew is such a blessing to have in our family, aged perfectly between my two daughters it couldn't have been planned better. I love them and am growing everyday to appreciate them more.
But the spankinest part of the party was having my growing friendships, which have been increasingly important to my adult life, meet and greet with my family. Annie Bananie, and Angela have been an increasing influence, mostly bad and hysterically funny but necessary, on my well being, their husbands Erin (who I adore as a human being and has befriended my husband) and Jay, who I admire greatly for his constant (I'm sure socially shy induced) attention to his children.. It reminds me of my dad when I was young. My mom was often drinking or in need of a break from 4 kids so I remember him getting up with my brothers in the night, covering me up, playing baseball, building stuff for us, and hanging out by the team for all our sporting events. He took me hunting, fishing, camping, and on bike rides. Dads are really important.
Annie Angela and I have 10 children combines. Our three families could start out own nation and very possibly populate with very little fear of inbreeding.
This combined made our party fantastic.

We played badminton with Angela embarrassing my husband with naughty talk. Annie, kicking butt with her new Karate belted energy, and the kids giving it their all. We played "whores" with basketball but for lack of shots made we ended up just trying hard to make one and laughing a lot.

We ate a lot 1 whole cake and 20 cupcakes 30+brats a dozen hamburgers and 20 hotdogs.

We were a large fantastic family of friends and relatives.

Thanks all

The band wagon

2007-06-29T15:30:00.000-05:00

I have shared in the joy of reading the bloggs of others. I never felt greatly inspired to write my own, however, I realized how valuable a tool this is in keeping in touch with others, clearing your mind, getting things out in the open (whether anyone reads it or not). I have a vision about life, the cliche journey I suppose. My jouney, like most others', has been bumpy, painful, joyful, hilarious, exciting, dramatic, long at times, boring at other times, inspiring when reflected upon, and fulfilling when not too concerned with desire. The bandwagon I've joined is not simply that of "blogging" but that of sharing. I want to share, in part, in the journey of others and likewise I would like others to walk with me occassionaly. I have a path I see ahead of me and it is always living and dynamic. Once in awhile it is overwhelming and I need help. Sometimes it is lonely and I need company. Often I enjoy the solitude, but it is always nice to meet a friend along the way and when I meet someone it is always fun to adventure off the path and comforting to find your way back.